February 2012
2 posts
2 tags
"This almost makes me want a butt plug"
Regarding an octopus butt-plug cover made by ladypurl
Anonymous asked: I keep canceling replies (and submissions to this blog), because I keep remembering most people don't want to hear about my mother's bathroom habits.
January 2012
5 posts
2 tags
My dog is licking her butt in time with the song...
I’m not sure if I’m amused or really creeped out.
Brain: Okay, we fucked around on the internet long enough. It's time for bed.
Me: Great! I'll just get under the cov
Brain: WAIT WE HAVE TO POOP!
2 tags
Here I sit, broken hearted.
Came to shit, but only farted.
Why are we surprised a black guy was singing an Al...
2 tags
Jesus my boobs hurt.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Que?
December 2011
4 posts
Anonymous asked: someone posted a picture of her kid snuggling with her in bed and the caption, "Someone charmed his way into my bed. Again." i wanted to reply, "i've had that happen, but not with a kid and with much worse results," but it just sounds too creepy. (certain people who read/run this tumblr know what post i'm talking about.)
2 tags
Christmas decorations are like porn. The second...
2 tags
Judging by the smell of my farts the last thing I...
2 tags
Totally had sex yesterday.
Wait, why isn’t this anonymous?
Anonymous Ask is now turned on. You know, for the...
October 2011
4 posts
2 tags
Friend just posted photos of her baby girl that...
Me- “Your baby’s vag is huge!”
Delete.
Blowjobs: the breakfast of champions.
2 tags
Frasiering
I’m not one to share boring stories about my dreams, but I have to share this one. In my dream I walked into a room where I discovered some group sex happening. It was 3 older/distinguished dudes and one lady. I yelled out, “Oh my god, you guys are Frasiering!” The lady asked me what that meant and I told her, “When three older guys, possibly related or have a long-term...
September 2011
3 posts
2 tags
2 tags
“(Name Withheld) added School of Metaphysics to their education.
I so badly...”
– Facebook
2 tags
“In which I thought I was going to die. It was about 30 minutes ago when I felt...”
August 2011
10 posts
2 tags
“So tempted to add this to the “This Is Handmade” site with the...”
““I never know what’s going to set him off. One day he just started...”
1 tag
“I’m guessing that “Aw, fuck. Not this shit again.” is not the...”
2 tags
“I found an amazing taqueria today and treated myself to carnitas and carne asada...”
2 tags
“There’s nothing not intrinsically gay about “a bag of dicks.”
2 tags
“I was recently prescribed an antipsychotic. Side effects include drowsiness,...”
“I’m not sure what is more surprising: that I’m in the checkout line...”
God is not telling you to stop selling your house...
Maybe he’s telling you that you need to fire your real estate agent. Or, just maybe, he’s telling you to do things for yourself and not give up so easily and quit waiting for him to do things for you.
I really wish he’d tell you to quit having kids, though.
“You don’t get to tell me that you can’t stand me and tickle the back...”
July 2011
1 post
2 tags
“Shopping for sex toys when you’re horny is like shopping for food when...”
June 2011
6 posts
I may have actually just shit my brains out.
my legs are wobbly
“I’m sorry, but I could never fuck a chick that fucked a dog.”
“Don’t worry. She’ll be slicing into it soon enough.”
– Cancelled reply to this.
“I miss being able to use the bathroom freely. No one should have to wait 10...”
“I’m so glad I work close to home. I have been coming home during my lunch...”
“Unfriended on Facebook. Deleted and not sent response to unfriender?
“How...”
– Penny
October 2010
1 post
What do I have in common with a girlon her prom...
We both just had toilet babies.
September 2010
1 post
2 tags
“There is a song I’ve been listening to a lot of. When I first heard it I...”
July 2010
1 post
2 tags
“Please stop trying so hard to be my friend. I don’t like you.
-Deleted...”
May 2010
1 post
2 tags
“Who has two thumbs and just soaked her way through a giant maxi pad in less than...”
April 2010
3 posts
I just farted. It sounded like I dropped a bunch...
“Masturbating”
“Dear (insert your name here if you see me within the next 12 hours), Sorry,...”
March 2010
15 posts
EW-SHA-BOO! EW-SHA-BOO-BOO! EW-SHA-BOO?
(this was for a picture of a puppy on Facebook.)
I've got the midnight farts. AT WORK!
My sac is moving on its own.
2 tags
“If you have bleach in the toilet and you go poo, it fizzes. I was scared that it...”
– Filed under: Things I did not know before, but will make sure to replicate in the future
“Who’s got two thumbs and just drank four shots of tequila in an hour?...”
– ~beefranck
Christ, this cat is peeing loud.
I’m waiting for it to saw through the side of the litterbox!
Filling out my census forms.
If any of you have a kid that looks like me, please email me.